“I will leave before they leave me.”
On my personal journey of understanding both the world around me and my own experience with autism, I’ve encountered moments of feeling different—and at times, disconnected—from those around me. Autism shapes how I perceive and process life, highlighting differences but also opening doors to unique ways of relating and integrating with others. Along this path, I found unexpected solace and profound insight in the works of Carl Jung. His exploration of the human psyche, the ripple effects of life-altering events, and the complex layers of the human condition gave language and depth to feelings I struggled to put into words.
Most powerfully, I came to understand how deeply childhood trauma—especially abandonment wounds—shapes the way we move through relationships, safety, and trust. What emerged clearly from these reflections is a simple but profound truth: the world, perhaps more than ever, needs compassion, understanding, patient consideration, and a willingness to compromise from one another toward each other.
This need is not just societal; it is deeply personal. It calls us to recognize the unseen wounds carried within ourselves and others, to hold space for healing, and to choose connection over fear. It’s within this framework that I want to explore abandonment wounds—their origins, their impact, and the ways we can nurture healing, both for ourselves and those we care about.
What Are Abandonment Wounds?
Abandonment wounds are more than just memories of being left alone. They are emotional scars etched by experiences of loss, neglect, or inconsistency—often from our earliest relationships. Maybe it was a parent who wasn’t emotionally available, a sudden departure that wasn’t explained, or a caregiver who promised safety but was unpredictable. These early experiences teach the nervous system that love is fragile, fleeting, and never guaranteed.
The wound goes beyond the moment of abandonment itself. It lingers in the shadows of everyday life—the moments when you feel unseen, unheard, or unimportant. These small but repeated experiences keep the wound open and raw. Over time, the fear that you will be left alone grows so large that it colors every relationship and interaction. It becomes less about the present reality and more about an ongoing, lived expectation of loss.
Abandonment Wounds Through the Lens of Autism
For many autistic individuals, abandonment wounds can feel particularly intense and complex. Autism shapes the ways we perceive social cues, express emotions, and build connections, which means early experiences of loss or inconsistency can resonate deeply and differently than for neurotypical people.
The sensory sensitivities, communication differences, and a need for predictability often present in autism can make disruptions—whether physical or emotional—feel overwhelming. What might be a fleeting sense of abandonment for some can become a profound fracture for an autistic person, activating a heightened sense of vulnerability and anxiety.
Moreover, many autistic people grow up feeling misunderstood or isolated, even within their own families or communities. This experience can deepen feelings of being unseen or unheard, reinforcing the internal narrative that connection is uncertain or unsafe. As a result, abandonment wounds don’t just linger—they can shape how trust is built, how safety is sought, and how relationships are navigated throughout life.
Understanding this intersection is crucial. It helps us see that healing abandonment wounds in autistic individuals often requires tailored approaches that honor both neurological differences and emotional needs. It invites us to cultivate environments where sensory and emotional safety coexist, and where the subtle signals of abandonment can be recognized and gently addressed.
Other Conditions Exacerbating Abandonment Wounds
Abandonment wounds can be intensified by various mental health conditions that affect emotional regulation, perception of relationships, and coping mechanisms. These conditions can deepen the fear of loss and complicate the ways individuals experience and respond to abandonment.
For example, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is closely linked to intense abandonment fears. People with BPD often have heightened emotional sensitivity and a pervasive worry that loved ones will leave them. This can cause even small signs of distance or rejection to feel catastrophic, triggering rapid shifts between idealizing and devaluing others, and fueling intense emotional turmoil.
Living with a nervous system constantly on high alert, the person may oscillate between clinging desperately to relationships and pushing others away preemptively, as a way to maintain control and avoid being hurt. This dynamic can create a painful cycle where the instinct to “leave before being left” ends up reinforcing isolation and deepening the abandonment wound.
While BPD illustrates this pattern vividly, other conditions—such as anxiety disorders, PTSD, and certain mood disorders—can similarly magnify abandonment fears and complicate healing. Recognizing the role these conditions play is vital for creating compassionate, effective support and treatment approaches.
Trauma and Dissociation: How We Protect Ourselves
When abandonment wounds remain unhealed, they often feed into trauma responses that shape how we cope with overwhelming emotions. Trauma isn’t only about extreme events—it’s about how those events are held in the body and mind, influencing every relationship and moment thereafter.
One common response to trauma is dissociation. This is the mind’s way of protecting itself by mentally “checking out” when feelings become too intense or painful. It’s a survival mechanism that allows a person to distance themselves from emotional pain or memories that feel unbearable.
While dissociation can provide temporary relief, it comes at a cost. It can create a gap between the person and their own experience, making it difficult to fully connect with themselves or others. Relationships suffer because the very thing that is meant to protect—running away mentally—can also create distance, misunderstanding, and loneliness.
The Desire to Feel Safe by Running Away
The desire to run away before being left is an instinct born from trauma and fear. It’s a way to claim some measure of control in a world that once felt chaotic and unsafe. Saying “I will leave before they leave me” is less about wanting to hurt others and more about trying to avoid the unbearable pain of rejection and loss.
This impulse to flee feels like safety, but it often becomes a prison. By leaving early, you prevent the risk of being hurt, but you also prevent the possibility of genuine connection and intimacy. It’s a painful paradox: the very thing you do to protect yourself often leads to more isolation and grief.
Understanding this inner dynamic is a crucial step in healing. It means recognizing that this voice, as loud and urgent as it is, is rooted in a desire to survive—a desire to avoid being broken again.
Supporting Healing: Speaking Back to the Inner Monologue
Healing begins when we can meet this fearful voice with compassion rather than judgment. Instead of allowing it to dictate our actions, we learn to listen to it with empathy and gently challenge its assumptions.
Imagine saying to that voice:
“I see you’re scared. You’ve been hurt deeply before, and it’s okay to feel that pain. But not everyone will leave. I can hold this fear without letting it control me. I am not alone.”
This dialogue doesn’t erase the pain overnight. It’s a practice—an ongoing conversation that builds a foundation of safety inside ourselves. Through therapy, supportive relationships, and self-reflective work, we can start to rewrite this inner script, slowly replacing fear with trust.
Steps Toward Healing
Healing abandonment wounds is a journey, not a quick fix. Here are some steps that can help guide that process:
- Name the Voice: Begin by noticing when the inner monologue of fear and self-protection takes over. Naming it brings it into the light and reduces its unconscious power.
- Check the Facts: Pause to ask if the fear is based on what is happening now or is a reflection of past wounds. This helps create space between trauma and present reality.
- Reach Out: Learn to ask for reassurance or request space before emotions escalate. Clear communication can prevent misunderstandings and build safety.
- Create Safety Rituals: Develop predictable routines or grounding techniques that help soothe your nervous system when you feel triggered.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that survival instincts are natural responses to pain and deserve kindness rather than criticism.
- Seek Support: Healing often requires the help of trusted people—whether friends, family, or therapists—who can hold space for your vulnerability and growth.
How to Support Someone Healing from Abandonment Wounds and Emotional Trauma
Supporting someone who carries abandonment wounds and related emotional trauma requires patience, empathy, and a consistent, compassionate presence. Their fears and reactions—even if they seem intense or confusing—stem from deep vulnerability and survival mechanisms developed over time.
Here are some ways you can offer meaningful support:
- Be Consistent and Reliable: One of the deepest fears in abandonment wounds is unpredictability. Showing up consistently—whether through regular communication, keeping promises, or simply being present—builds a foundation of safety.
- Practice Calmness and Patience: Emotional responses can be overwhelming. Responding with calmness rather than frustration or judgment helps de-escalate situations and reinforces emotional safety.
- Communicate Openly and Honestly: Transparency fosters trust. Being clear about your feelings, boundaries, and intentions reduces misunderstandings and reassures your loved one that they are not alone.
- Validate Their Feelings: Even if their fears feel overwhelming or hard to understand, acknowledging and accepting their emotions without judgment communicates, “I see you, and your feelings matter.”
- Encourage Healthy Boundaries: Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. Establish clear boundaries with kindness and consistency, modeling healthy relationship dynamics.
- Offer Reassurance, But Avoid Enabling: Gentle reassurance can soothe fear, but avoid behaviors that encourage dependency or avoidance of responsibility.
- Support Professional Help: Encourage your loved one to seek therapy or other professional resources. Healing abandonment wounds often requires guidance beyond personal support.
Supporting someone with abandonment wounds is a journey that requires willingness, understanding, and mutual effort. Your consistent love and presence can help transform their inner narrative—from one dominated by fear and isolation to one rooted in safety, connection, and hope.
Final Thoughts
Abandonment wounds can feel like invisible chains, tethering us to fear, loneliness, and self-doubt. Yet these chains are not unbreakable. With patience, courage, and love—both for ourselves and from others—we can soften their grip.
If you hear that painful inner voice in your own mind, know this: you are not broken. You are in the process of healing. Each time you choose to stay, to face your fear, and to respond with compassion, you reclaim a piece of your power and move toward a life where safety, connection, and love are not just hopes but lived realities.
And above all else, you are loved, you are adored, you are cherished, more than you will ever know. So love yourself—just as you are, in all the beautiful complexity and strength you hold today.
Recommended Reads
If you’re interested in exploring these themes further, here are three thoughtful books and one related blog post that offer deep insights into the human experience, healing, and self-understanding:
- Modern Man in Search of a Soul by Carl Jung
This classic work delves into Jung’s ideas about the psyche, the unconscious, and the importance of spiritual and psychological healing. It provides a rich foundation for understanding how our inner world shapes our relationships and sense of self. - Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes
A foundational philosophical text that explores questions of existence, knowledge, and certainty. Descartes invites us to examine the nature of our mind and reality, inspiring deeper reflection on how we come to know and trust ourselves. - Human, All Too Human by Friedrich Nietzsche
In this provocative work, Nietzsche challenges traditional beliefs and explores the complexities and contradictions of human nature. It encourages readers to embrace their individuality and face life’s challenges with courage and honesty. - The Taming of the Inner Monologue (Blog Post) by Sayed H. Fatimi
In this reflective post, I explore practical ways to engage with and transform our inner dialogue—an essential part of healing from abandonment wounds and cultivating self-compassion. Read it here.